


Self-Service

by captainflintsjacket



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Flirting, Meet Messy, Swearing, raunchy behavior, some nsfwness but nothing super explicit, there is a minor dildo malfunction shall we say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 18:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20511266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainflintsjacket/pseuds/captainflintsjacket
Summary: Bones finally gets to see you naked, but it's not quite the way he pictured it.





	Self-Service

“Alright, Y/N. Your turn,” Jim yelled. He was like a five year old in a candy shop. Hell, a room full of half-drunk women probably was his idea of a candy shop. You groaned as the pillowcase was passed to you. 

“Why do I let you talk me into these things,” you asked as you fished your hand in blindly, reaching for a slip of paper with someone’s name on it. Someone, you hoped, that wouldn’t be Leonard McCoy. 

“Because I’m irresistibly charming.” Jim winked at you while you struggled to hide your snort as a cough. Jim caught it and scowled. “Fine, because I’m your captain and I order you to pick a name.”

You brushed your fingers through the small slips of paper left in the bag, trying to find the right one. Finally, your skin hit against a piece that was crumpled into a small ball and you thanked whatever gods were out there that it hadn’t been picked yet. As you pulled it out and unwrapped it, Jim leaned forward in anticipation. “Aw boo,” you said quickly, “Looks like I got myself. Oh well. Here you go, Uhura.” You handed the bag to right, but Jim launched himself across the circle, snatching it away. 

“And here I thought you were a woman of integrity,” Jim said, feigning hurt in his voice. 

“Then why would she sleep with you,” Bones interjected. 

“Hey, I happen to be very-” 

“Can we please get this over with,” you interrupted. 

“Hoping for some quality time with a certain someone,” Jim teased. He pulled a slip of paper out and read it, beaming at you. Your stomach dropped as he handed the paper to Bones and clapped him on the back. “Have fun, lovebirds.” 

“Knock him dead,” Uhura whispered as you stood. You tried to give her your best smile, but it felt more like a dog baring its teeth. Judging by the worry on Uhura’s face it must have looked like it too. 

“Ladies first,” Bones said, holding the closet door open for you. You passed by close enough to smell his cologne and honestly thought you’d faint. At least he’s a doctor. 

It was quiet enough in the closet for you to hear everyone outside snickering. You were gonna kill Jim for this. You weren’t sure how yet, but you had seven minutes to think about it. 

“So, you and Jim, huh?” 

“Me and Jim what,” you responded more rudely than you meant to. 

“You know,” Bones said, wiggling an eyebrow suggestively. 

“No, no. God.” You ran a hand down your face, trying to figure out why the universe had stacked itself up against you to put you in this situation - talking about fucking another man to the person you were in love with. “It was a one time thing. An act of desperation.” 

Bones laughed. “Desperation? I figured you would’ve had a line of men out your door.” Heat crept up your cheeks and you wished the light in the closet had been off. 

“Don’t have the time,” you muttered. “I’m always down in engineering and Scotty’s my boss so I can’t sleep with him.” 

Bones grunted. “Jim’s everyone’s boss.” 

“Yeah, but you know he’s…He’s Jim.” 

“Fair enough,” Bones said, settling back against the wall. He crossed his arms over his chest, and you tried your best to ignore the way the cloth strained against the muscles in his arms. You busied yourself by inspecting the rows and rows of a Command shirts in Jim’s closet, not at all surprised to see that many of them were ripped or stained. “Why were you so desperate?” 

You sighed, pinching your eyes shut. You wracked your brains for a less vulgar way to say ‘because I’ve wanted to bang you senseless for a year and got tired of just daydreaming about it.’ “It’s a long mission. Guess I needed to let some stress out.” 

Bones pushed off the wall and stepped closer to you. In the small space his toes were already almost brushing against yours. “Why Jim, though? Why not someone a little more skilled?” 

“Like who,” you scoffed. 

Leonard’s fingertips caressed your elbow. You pulled it closer to your body but his hand followed, sliding from your arm to your hip. “I am an expert in human anatomy.” In the cramped quarters you could hear the slight slur in Bones’ voice. “Why don’t I give you a little check up?” 

Your heart leapt to your throat as he leaned in, moving past your lips to press a kiss to your neck. Bones’ hand slid from your hip to the hem of your uniform skirt while his other hand tangled itself in your hair. He tugged softly, allowing himself better access to your neck. You felt teeth slide against your skin and whined softly. There were too many things to focus on. The smell of whiskey and cologne and sex mixing in the air. The scratch of stubble on Bones’ jaw. The warmth of his breath on your neck. The softness of his fingers as they slid up your thighs up and up and up and 

“Time’s up,” Jim yelled, bursting through the door of the closet. He had a PADD in his hand, ready to snap an embarrassing picture but Bones’ body was covering you completely. “Why don’t we continue this in my room,” Bones whispered while you straightened your skirt. He caught your hand in is. “Ain’t no use straightening it if it’s just gonna come off.” 

“God you’re drunk,” you muttered. You could still feel the heat between your legs but forced yourself past Bones. 

“Now wasn’t that fun,” Jim said. You scowled at him, punching him in the shoulder as you walked by. 

“Jesus, Bones. What’d you do to her?” 

You grabbed your belongings in a rush, assuring Uhura you were fine and you’d tell her everything over breakfast. Once you were out the door, you practically ran back to your quarters. Every cell in your body was buzzing with excitement and there was only one way to release it, so you locked the door and stripped down, ready for another night alone. You hoped Bones didn’t come check on you or he might hear you moaning his name. 

You woke to soft dreams and warm sheets. Jim had promised you the day off in exchange for going to his party, so you let yourself soak up the memories of last night. How good Bones’ fingers felt sliding up your skin. The softness of them tickling your nerves as they edged closer to your panties. You could imagine how it would feel next - his fingers rubbing your clit slowly through the fabric as his lips tasted every inch of your skin. You sucked in a breath, tracing your hand over your breasts and down your abdomen. 

You spread your legs and clapped your hand over your mouth to muffle a scream. Pain shot through you, blurring the edges of your vision and whiting out the circuits of your brain. You forced yourself to breathe, relaxing your muscles. Gradually, the pain lessened and you reached forward to pull the covers away. 

“Why couldn’t I have just died,” you asked the empty room. Your dildo was laying there, used but not forgotten, gracing your bed with the memory of what could have been after your and Leonard’s closet escapade. Battery acid had seeped out and onto your skin, burning a giant pink penis onto the inside of your thigh. The longer you stared at it, the less it seemed to hurt. You leaned as close as you could to inspect the wound. 

You’d had your fair share of chemical burns in Engineering, but this was definitely one of the worst. You ripped through the top two layers of skin into the hypodermis when you moved your leg off of the sheet. You could see blood and fat and started to feel lightheaded. 

“Oh this is gross,” you whispered. “This is so gross. I’m gonna-” You barely had time to throw yourself to the edge of the bed before you puked on the floor. The movement caused your legs to bump into each other and the dildo pressed against your stomach, which immediately started to burn. The pain sent your stomach in knots and you retched again. Luckily, you didn’t have much other than alcohol and chips in your system since last night. Unluckily, that meant a lot of dry heaving as your stomach churned. 

When it finally calmed down, you hung off the edge of the bed trying to catch your breath. No more moving. You tried to clear your brain and figure out the best course of action, which, in this case, was any action that didn’t involve going to Medbay and have Bones see the dildo burned into your skin. Maybe you could call Uhura to get you some supplies. You’d been burned enough to know how to treat yourself, although it wouldn’t help with the scar. 

A knock on the door had you frozen in place. You didn’t dare to breathe, hoping whoever was here would think you were still asleep. Of course, this wasn’t exactly your lucky day and the visitor knocked again. 

“Y/N,” Bones said. 

You let your head drop over the edge of the bed, quickly snapping it up again as your hair fell into the puke on the floor. There was no way you were gonna let Bones see you like this. 

“I know it’s your day off, but I wanted to apologize for my behavior last night. Can I come in?” You squeezed your eyes shut. Nothing would come to your brain except what the fuck what the fuck. 

“Yeah,” you called out. “Give me a sec.” You had to get dressed, although you weren’t sure if you’d make it to the closet or not. Carefully, you rolled onto your back towards the end of your bed. You moved your good leg over the edge, planting a foot on the floor. You moved your arm down next, letting gravity take over as you slid onto the floor. Unfortunately, gravity got the best of you and your injured leg came slapping down against the floor. Your scream echoed off the walls. 

When the white finally left the edges of your vision, your eyes settled on Bones’ worried figure hovering above you. “What happened,” he asked, slipping easily back into Doctor Mode. You couldn’t deny the demanding tone of his voice was pretty hot. You wondered if he would use the same voice in bed when his hands were exploring your naked body and - fuck. You were still naked. 

“Fine,” you said shrilly, covering yourself with your arms and the bit of sheet hanging over the bed. “I’m fine.” You tried to push yourself off the floor, but your skin stuck to the tile and you hissed in pain. 

“Take the sheet off,” Bones ordered. 

You did your best fake laugh and shook your head. “Really, Dr. McCoy. I’m fine.” 

“Take the sheet off or I’m getting Jim.” 

You paled as you weighed your options. You’d never be able to look Bones in the eye again if you had to explain how you got in this situation. You could always switch doctors though and easily avoid him. Jim, on the other hand, would tell everyone in Starfleet. You’d have to drop out and settle down in a fishing town in the Northeast. Or better yet, find a planet in a different system to make your new life. 

Bones snapped his fingers in front of your eyes and brought you back to the harsh reality of the situation. “Sheet. Now.” 

You yanked the sheet off the bed and tossed it away from you with an exasperated groan. It landed with a loud clattering sound that caught your and Bones’ attention and you wondered if you could remotely program the transporter to beam you directly into the heart of a nearby star. Your dildo skidded across the floor before stopping under a ceiling light like a comedian getting ready to put on a show. Bones stared at it before turning slowly back to you. You stared straight ahead, not even blinking. 

Your arms were crossed and your fingers pressed against your skin hard enough to bruise. Maybe you could find some more of the dark matter Nero and his crew had collected and go back in time to prevent yourself from ever being born and living through this moment. Bones prodded the skin around your burn gently, and you squeezed your eyes shut. 

“You know,” he started, “I’ve pictured you naked plenty of times, but it never went quite like this.”

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr @trade-baby-blues


End file.
